Divine Destiny ?!?

Two nights ago, I was sitting in a hotel room flipping channels. I almost never watch TV. It always bothers my soul. But I was bored without my family (work conference), so I turned on the TV for some noise. I stopped on Joel Osteen talking about "divine destiny" and "let go." Those were his answers for life's disappoints and tragedies. He said, "Just create an 'I don't understand it file' and leave it alone. Or be bitter and let it poison your life. Dust it off! God has something better. God put a period. Don't put a question mark."

?!?!?!?! That kind of thinking and teaching makes my soul hurt. Shallow and lacking the love of God!

The cameras panned over crowds of thousands that had come for that messaging. I guess it pleases the un-hurting masses. But to a woman sitting in the crowd who just learned her husband left her for another--for the husband who just lost his wife in a tragic accident--to the family whose lost jobs now resulted in their home and credit lost--how dare anyone tell them to dust it off? Yes, God has something better but not the kind of better inferred. The only better is in more God, less me.

When I had my world crumble, I screamed for God to prove His realness and His love for me. "God is fair" and "brush off my sorrow" and "let go" are just the kind of pat answers I had trusted that made me scream for a God who cared enough to send His Son to die for me. I begged to know He was even real.

At the end of his pep talk, the preacher turned to a camera and gave a heart-felt altar call to viewers in TV land. All I could think was, "What does Jesus have to do with this?!" Jesus helped me to see how much I am loved in spite of my trials. And that my best life now is the one I found through utter brokenness, not through picking myself up and dusting off the crap that blanketed my fan. Because I wasn't bitter (sarcasm). God loved me too much to allow me to abandon Him. He loved me so much, I found that clinging to Him was the only safe place for my wounded soul. I found love so great, I could see my home in a place less cruel than this world. Suffering is real and it can be horrific. I could not just "let go" and put real stinky crap in an "I don't understand it file." I wish the preacher had told people letting go and dusting off is God's business, not ours. And that it happens quite naturally after we sincerely ask God for His kind of help (not our will, but His).

This kind of teaching leaves it all on the hurting to be the source of their healing. If I could have dusted off the crap dealt me, I would not have found my true help. Can we just tell people that this broken world will deal brokenness -- and that knowing Christ is not a "pass home and go" game that keeps us safe from it? You may suffer something you can't now fathom, as I have. And you and I may not have it in us to just move on. The good news is that God loves us too much to ignore our cries for His mercy and help. I'm not sure how to explain that well, but I have lived it.
I don't personally know Mr. Osteen, and I don't recall ever watching him speak before. I am angry, but not angry at him. His sermon struck a sensitive spot with me. Jesus is more than the end-of-pep talk kicker. He cried tears of real blood while asking God to spare Him for the brutality He knew was coming. He suffered when He could have prevented it. And He did it so that we could know Father God and His love. Oh, that love is like nothing this world can offer. When we experience it -- especially in spite of disappointment or tragedy--we understand that God is truly good. He alone becomes our true help. Oh God, we need you. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for suffering that I may know the love of God in my own suffering.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.

Take Jesus at His Word

I like what Zach Hunt at The American Jesus posted yesterday about 'radical' living -- and how the word has been reduced to a joke by how we define it.

I honestly believe there are many people just like me, or just like how I was before everything I'd learned as a good church girl failed me in crisis. I did not cause nor deserve the crap that hit my heart's fan. But it did, and I quickly discovered the foundation I'd planted was no more than shifting sand. I didn't take Jesus seriously. I didn't even know the real Jesus!

So I had lived a good life ordering it just the way it should go. I am rich, after all (I believe Jesus was talking about people like me when he said it is hard for the rich to enter heaven---in fact, a camel can squeeze through the eye of a needle more easily!). I could and did determine the path I wanted, and I had all of the resources I needed to make my way. I worked hard and followed the rules. Oh, did I ever know the way to look like I had it all together. Deep down, though, I knew more angst and fear than I could face. Sure, I was headed to heaven someday. I was so-called 'happy' with the blessings God had given me here (see that camel squeezing through the eye of the needle), and so I puttered away at my good life. It was all about me. me. me.

What a facade. The "good Christian life" that I lived was far more religious than actually Christian. I often ask at our little bible study if we really want Jesus. Do we really want to lay down our lives -- give up the ownership, the entitlements, the plans and our will for His? Is it possible to live like He advises us to?

As I've written many times before, I do believe we will want the life Jesus calls us to when we understand how much He loves us. It took a horrible personal then spiritual crisis for me to scream for God, and then to urgently pour over the red-letters of Jesus who died to give me that right. I don't know much, but I know that God rescued me and loves me better than any human can and that Jesus died to give me that love. I have experienced the peace that passes understanding -- in spite of my first brokeness and in spite of the worst (my baby Eden Leigh delivered to heaven last October). I have hope for all hurting people in spite of the very real and terrible blows they're dealt, and for those who deal them. I love others like never before. And only because I take seriously Jesus red-lettered words.

When a regular person like you and me find the real Jesus, we actually do change. Now, that's radical.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus. And just a disclaimer that I'm nothing but a sinner saved by grace.

 

Of Nightmares and Dreams

We're currently living without the luxury of air conditioning. Luxury? Absolutely. It took only a couple of hours of 90s with humidity to realize how very much we love A/C. Maybe the extreme heat has been the reason for my vivid dreams and nightmares of late. I don't know, but they are the kind that keep with me all day.

Last week, I dreamt a horrible tale of outright rejection. I was deeply hurt, and I very much "felt" it. When I woke in the morning, I could recall the details of the dream. My spirit was heavy. It triggered a personal sorrow I have endured. Tears welled in my eyes.

Last night, I dreamt a beautiful tale of overt acceptance. I was the chosen one; I was loved so intently. I was overwhelmed by how much I was loved. I awoke to the details, but my spirit was lifted. It made me contemplate God's rescue from my crisis -- His great love for me.

Perhaps God chose my dreams to remind me how much He loves me, and that He is the only one faithful to hold my heart without wounding it.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.

Broken to Find Hope

Broken. I feel it often. My life took a couple of turns in the past few years that I never saw coming. Without them, though, I would not know the peace of God in my heart in spite of very true suffering. Nor the real hope worth holding to when the floor caves under my weight.

I'm not special. Not any better than the others claiming Christ right next to me. I only know that I am not the same, and that the change is Jesus Christ in me. Mysterious, it is. For me, the difference in the before/after is this: God strips away our wants and desires, and our expectations and plans, our pining for something better. It's not by will nor might nor trying harder. It's a wholly natural response to the growing love for God through a Saviour who died to give us that relationship.  Do we really want Jesus? He said to love him more than our own family? He said to turn a cheek and give the other when someone slaps our face! He said to be great we must become lowly servants. He said the most important things any of followers can do is LOVE. <It was the group from another church at the park last week who angrily yelled toward us because the were asked to move their party (the pavilion was reserved by payment).>

Unless we truly understand who Jesus is, we won't want to give it up. Unless we comprehend that He truly is the only way to a better life (His way, not ours), we won't surrender. I don't know how to express that any differently. Surely, I heard that many times in all the years of my religious living. I had to suffer -- to have those things I held most dear (my marriage and our family unit) in a crisis so big I couldn't fix it. It was a cry to God and then months of crying to Him that led me to finally understand He alone was my healer, not me, not others, doctors or anything. Nothing has ever been more real than that.

It is hard to follow Jesus when we don't really know Him. I think it's quite impossible if we don't love Him more than our most prized earthly relationships and possessions. And it's hard to want to when we have the ability to make things work the way we want (at least some of the time).

Broken. I feel my spirit getting weighed down by the troubles of my life and the word around me. But I don't lose hope. I have found a deep, real, truly personal relationship with Father God through Jesus my Savior and Lord. I know that an outstreched arm and a gutteral cry is my resting place. And I know who always meets me there.

If anyone reads this and is also struggling, please tell God you cannot hear Him. Tell Him all that you cannot do to better your situation. Ask Him to show you that He is real and if He loves you. This is one prayer I think God always answers. A sincere asking for Him to come -- and a sincere surrender to His help -- is a better life. Hope restores. Faith grows. Joy replaces sorrow. Peace washes out fear. Oh God, we need you. Help those who truly want you to find you. Please uncover our eyes and open our ears. You are life and our refuge.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.

Do Better, Do More! Or Not!

Over the years in the Christian-like life I lived, I heard all kinds of people and messaging encouraging me to do better (recommit) and to do more (sign up for the nursery). The church needs volunteers and God wants us to grow more into the image of His perfect Son. Neither is bad nor wrong, but I could not get it right.
I'd recommit genuinely wanting to be more faithful~reading my bible and praying more often~just like the diet I started last month to shed this baby weight. I started strong, got a little lazy and now I need to recommit again.

I'd sign up to help but quickly lose interest and justify how much it was taking from my life. A failed small group, a short stint teaching children's Sunday School--those were the results of my efforts to get it right and do what's right. I truly believe there are mountains of good things being done around the world in Christian-like communities. God even gets the glory for it~or some of it. It's not bad nor wrong. But why couldn't I sustain it for long?

I'm also a Type A personality. I literally wrote down and repeated often "persistence is the key to success" while in middle school?! I started my own business a few years ago, and it worked very well until I burned out and closed it down. I determined it would and then worked hard to make it happen. The point is...I have been blessed with God-given administrative gifts, parents who poured into me every opportunity and support, and a go-for-it attitude. This lines up to allow me to make things happen.

But it all changed one cold night in January 2010 when my world collapsed. So deep and wide was the brokeness, all the rules were thrown out. I most seriously asked God, "You say you stand at the door and knock! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! Are you even real?!?!" And I knew in an instant He wasn't worth it---that is, not in the way I had always known Him.

Thank God, He didn't abandond me then. From those smoldering, stinky ashes, I have risen by the very grace of God. I am still a lousy sinner but I now know I can't do better or love God more. I will fail. I do fail Him. I do more, and I am more committed than ever, but I don't purpose to nor do I try. Those things happen naturally when God so loves you can no longer deny Him or keep Him in the corner for when you need Him. Those things naturally happen when you seek to know Jesus and take serious His words.

So I get a little frustrated when I hear messaging that encourages more this or that. It's a life wholly surrendered to Jesus Christ and Father God that changes people. For me, it took a major heart suffering to be willing to give up my hold on my life. I didn't really want God back then. I liked the Christian-like lifestyle (fellowship and friends), and the assurance of eternal life. But I did not believe Jesus' way of life was for me. I certainly didn't ever pray, "Your will not mind" and mean it.

It's tempting to think I make happen a vibrant, loving outreach called "Agape English." We have 40 or so students each Saturday evening and 9 volunteers to teach (and give up their Saturday evenings) each week. I do a lot to make the program run. I use my skills. I can so I do. But one huge difference this time is that I know it's not mine. God put it all before me. From my first students to the current program. And I know it exists because He wants it to. It will end when He directs it to. I just keep walking through open doors that became wide and obvious as I was praying Jesus' most important commands over me: love God and love others.

Oh, we need Jesus. When we know Him, we come to really love Him. And when we really love Him, things happen naturally. We see the bondage of our sin break away. We begin to see Jesus in the least around us. We begin to love like we never could before. We have hope in spite of the brokeness we experience and see. God give us people to love and we want to love them. It's a beautiful thing. At least to me. After all, this is only my story.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.

Get a Job...Get a Life (true stories)

Credit: Shutterstock

I have lived in my town for a few years now and until recently, I don't remember seeing anyone begging at the stop lights around our W*lmart. But then again, I'm wondering if my eyes just looked past them.

I hold tight to three things Jesus said after reading His red-lettered words several times through. First, He said the most important thing for us to do is simply to love God and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves; all the law and prophets are based on that, He said. Secondly, I've been captured by Jesus' words about the Final Judgement in Matthew 25. And the third is Jesus' teaching about who is truly blessed. Given how I've survived these past two years since finding the real Jesus of the Bible, I truly would rather have Jesus' idea of blessing than anything this world offers. The world can fail us miserably. No doubt my new homeless friends would agree, but so would my friends who have been struck by the cruelty of cancer and early death, and those who lost family and friends in a few seconds in a major earthquake in Haiti. Perhaps it's only us wealthy ones who think the treasure of this world are better than losing it all to find our only hope in Christ.

Yesterday afternoon I pulled into that parking lot to see my friend Brian E. standing at a far-off corner light. I bought a few extra groceries and went to find him. Instead I saw a woman hunched over on a curb, smoking a cigarette and appearing to cry. I'd never seen her before. I parked my car and walked over with a bag containing a few healthy items. Her name is Shauna, and she was crying.

Shauna lost a friend to illness this past week, and she said she's been sexually assaulted three times very recently. She showed me her blackened eye behind dark sunglasses. I asked if I could help her, but not surprising at all, she said she staying up on the hill behind W*lmart (Brian's camp). She told me that people are really cruel to the homeless. Yesterday alone, someone yelled, "Get a job!" and another parked at the red light, rolled down his window and offered to give her a ride and something special for a favor. She said people have no idea why others end up on the street where women are assaulted and people steal your very few belongings. According to Shauna, her husband moved another woman in while kicking her out 14 years ago.

Sometimes in the conversation, I heard distinctly different accents as though she might have a personality disorder. I don't know. Some of her story might have been contrived to appeal to emotion to motivate giving. But I offer only friendship (and a bag of beef jerkey with some crackers), and I think there is at least a measure of authenticity between us.

Brian was attacked by a dog last week. A couple of weeks before, another homeless guy passing through took his money and then turned his dog onto Brian when he chased after them. He admits that he could try harder to please God (something I've told him doesn't work).

They've both told me that they think those claiming Christ (by putting Christian symbols on their cars) have spewed hateful words and refused to even look at them or smile. I've said that going to church or putting a sticker on a car doesn't make one a true follower of Jesus. I've also said that maybe the oblivious passersby have their minds on other things and just don't see the need around them; that was me not long ago. Finally, I tell them both of their position in God's economy--the least now will be the greatest.

I don't have a plan at all. I remind myself often to stay focused on the most important--to love God with all my heart, soul and mind, and to love my neighbor as myself. I hope this doesn't sound like boasting. I'm just recording my journey here and if anyone reads, you probably think I'm full of me. Truly, I'm not who I used to be and these writing are just a snapshot of who I'm becoming.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus. Life really is better that way.

Preach It! Uh...I did but didn't mean to

We had a couple of new friends at our Haitian bible study yesterday. The week before nobody came. We always show up because we purpose to be a place of truth and refuge to anyone who wants the same. I don't care at all about numbers, anyway. We're not trying to do anything at all but study the truth -- to know Jesus and become more like Him -- and we'll do that with whoever wants to join us.

Our good friend R. is a wonderful translator. I don't think he has any training for that, but he is very good at it. And we do need help given our Kreyol is weak and some of our friends would say the same about their English.

As my writings of late have reflected, I am passionate about taking Jesus seriously. The passion in me comes from this: I am truly convinced that people would whole-heartedly follow Jesus if we could just understand who He is. And that we can experience a more full life -- even experience a bit of heaven while we're still here on this wretched earth -- if we truly follow Jesus. I am confident people will want that if they can believe that Jesus is *that* good. And I imagine a world where those claiming Christ are becoming more like Him so much so that the world knows us by our love.  On a side note: my two homeless friends have both told me stories of people whose cars bear Christian symbols as bumper stickers, and who have shamed them with words or passed by continually without a look or even a smile.

Religious traditions and Christian-like culture blinded me, and I believe it blinds others. When the Apostle Paul said anyone who comes to know Jesus is a new person, I understand that to be the last two years of my life as I've finally sought Jesus. So I asked our little group yesterday to consider what it means to be made new. I shared what I thought about trying harder, looking better, going in and out of church buildings...while real change doesn't happen.

So what can we possibly do to change? Or maybe the better question is 'do we want to?' I told my friends yesterday that I recommitted my life a thousand times, but real change never came. That is, not until I suffered so as to sincerely seek God and then to take serious the red-letter words of Jesus in my bible. I boldly shared what I believe to be the "cure" for all of the "coulds," "shoulds," "ought to's" and "ought not to's," the "try harders," "do betters," and the "get it togethers." In the sermon yesterday, our pastor shared that the use of pornography is no different between Christians and others. That is not surprising, and it's not the issue (porn) that confirms my thinking. Why is it that those claiming Christ -- or those attending church services -- are no different than the world? Why can't the churched do better?

I told friends that real change happens when we focus on Jesus. We don't have the power to do better. We can't be more pleasing to God. We will never be able to stop sinning, in some way or other. The power to change, to be transformed, renewed, to be made new...is complete in Jesus Christ. Apart from Christ, it's partial, temporary and insufficient.  And I challenged that if we read the red letters of Jesus and take serious what He says, we will become more like Him. So then we begin to love Him, to see what living for Him does for us, to see what we didn't see before, to love like we never loved before, to surrender what we never thought we would...at least that's been my experience.

So, I never wanted to be bible study leader. I'm not a preacher, but I am sure one can tell I did just that.

Love God. Love Others. Follow Jesus.